is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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