How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
