You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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