Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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