Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
