my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
