Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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