I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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