the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
