Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
