I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
