no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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