Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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