I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize