Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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