i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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