swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
