I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
