Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
