Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
