I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
