i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
