If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
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