I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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