Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
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