I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
