I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
