I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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