Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
