There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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