Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
