you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
