did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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