dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dignity is for republicans.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
