he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize