i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
