Where is the hickey?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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