i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Randomize
