My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
too bad you live with your parents still
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
