He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
