Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
