Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just invented taco cereal.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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