yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
