Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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