You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
