I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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