I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
