Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
