Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
