Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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