where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
