i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
