i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
