i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize