The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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