also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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