I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
