i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize