that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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