The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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