I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
