I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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