I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
