i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
